QUIET DAYS, WATER AND ROOMY ROOMINATION...

I didn't get an early night in the end, and instead hopped on a ferry back to Fort Cochi. I decided I wanted to see what it was like on a Saturday night. I was in two minds, but I am glad I went because it was, to use a much overused word on this Blog, magical.

Watching the sun go down and the stillness and soft glow of the evening move in on the old colonial buildings brought the best out of them. The bustle of the day had given way to the benign, laid-back generosity of feeling the Fort is famous for. The market was relaxed and wonderful. People milled around and a quiet sense of chilled exhiliration was everywhere. I sat by the sea and watched a blood-red sun go down by the Chinese fishing nets, an experience that was a little like being on an alien landscape. It was wonderful. Pacing the streets of the central area with its cafes and art shops the whole place was transformed into a kind of sophisticated bohemian village. I had a mediocre meal on a rooftop restaurant which let me look out over the colonial buildings in all their time travelling splendour. I was transported into other realms again. Thank God I went.

Today has been a little more touristy and a little more coloured by misgivings about home. I went on a Backwaters cruise and all I can say is that Kerala, the Land of Coconuts (which is what Kerala means) is beautiful. THe islands and then the narrow streams we went down which felt like being in the Amazon with Indian Jones were unforgettable. Green, lush and dotted by people who looked as if their way of life hadn't changed since Buddha (despite the odd TV and satellite dish on their shacks!). As the water lapped around us the mind was allowed to drift into other places. Every now and then you could see solitary fishermen in their boats or up to their neck in the water trawling for mussels. Each time we passed people on the shore they waved with genuine warmth. Every now and then a child would beam at us and run past, waving their hands in wide arcs. One even called out 'Pen! Pen!' (something that happens a lot here according to the Rough Guide!), literally wanting us to throw her pens which some of us did. And every now and there was an eagle circling in the sky, as if the same one I saw in Somnathpur had travelled down with me, indicating Vishnu's presence. It was idyllic.

I got into some interesting chats with other tourists from Norway, England, Austria, France, Canada, America. I must say India attracts a better class of visitors (snigger)! We all agreed that the kind of person who would want to go to India was probably already a pretty open-minded, interesting person interested in cultures and ideas. And so it was.

Kerala clearly is special. Everyone remarked that the people are hugely friendly, look well-fed, healthy and happy, that the towns seem well-organised and not run down, some feeling more like a Mediterranean village than anything else. I loved Karnataka but it is different. It is darker, there is more pain. The landscape is as breathtaking, but Kerala is a place of its own. I'll be sorry to leave in a few weeks!

Kerala's success is largely down to its Communist government - or rather Socially Democratic Government, even though they are nominally Communist. It has a reputation as the best run state in South India at least (if not the whole of India!) with a tradition of civic pride and municipal responsibility that goes back to the first election of the Communists in 1957. Its special. Smooth and poetic.

The clouds on the day came from the shock about finances I mentioned last night. As at the beginning of my holiday, I was reminded of what I had left behind and what was waiting for me when I get back. I am going to have to face some big decisions when I return, not least of which is the 37 year old problem I have always faced of feeling like a square peg in a round hole in the UK. As you will have sensed from this Blog, the things I am interested in, the things within me, are about as un-English and as ungeared to the way we do things in the UK as can be. I have always found myself feeling outside what everyone else wanted culturally, emotionally and socially. Coming here was a product of not being able to keep crippling myself trying to fit in. I don't know what will happen when I get back. I really don't know where my talents or even interests will find a home or even a purchase in the UK whereby I can be happy there or even earn a living. And from what I am told things are pretty rough with the financial crisis so who is going to give a fuck about a theatre director with a passion for world culture? Well. We shall see...

The day was still enjoyable, but I know I have to lose the doubt and uncertainty the mood change had brought. Funnily enough, the issue of doubt kept coming up, almost as if the day was telling me what to do. First up was a moment when we all had to cross a very narrow concrete block serving as a bridge over a stagnant stream full of water you didn't want to fall into. The woman in front of me froze and said 'I can't do it!' and I found myself saying without thinking 'Don't think that way. Its all in the head. If you think you will fall you will fall. If you don't you won't.' Then a few hours later I found myself in a conversation with a 62 year old woman who was talking about the whole issue of doubt and how as soon as we doubt our intuition, our instinct about what we know we have to do, we begin to undermine ourselves and bring the disaster we were afraid of upon us. I remembered all the times my own lack of self-belief and self-confidence had undermined me in the past and how this whole break in my life was about removing that self-doubt and moving from who I was rather than what I thought people wanted me to be. I was afraid that the worries about home would make me doubt my whole India trip and so spoil the incredible time I was having - and I knew it was all about my own attitude...

And then back at the hotel I opened the Bagavad Gita at random for fun (that's me, guys!) and it fell open on the words:

"He who has faith and has wisdom, who lives in self-harmony, whose faith is his life; and he who finds wisdom, soon finds life supreme.

But he who has no faith and no wisdom, and whose soul is in doubt, is lost. For neither this world, nor the world tocome, nor joy is ever for the man who doubts."

Ok, I thought... DOUBT DOUBT DOUBT. This is the thought for the day. Coincidence or not, its up to me to work this dip through and get on with it...

And on that note, its time for bed. Up early tomorrow for another trip, this one for two days to a famous Hill Station called Mannur which one of the guys on the train down told me was the best place he knew in India, or one of the best anyway... So signing off for a few days. Wish me love and luck!